19 June 2010

Why I don’t wish you all the best in life…

There is one thing in life that I hate as much as I hate money – the tactful kindness. Don’t say things that you don’t really mean. Not only do I find it incredibly stupid, but also rude. If you don’t respect me enough to tell me what’s really on your mind then we’re really up for a bad start.

It most often happens on two specific occasions. One is when you send a job application and they don’t like you for the position, but they are nice enough to actually let you know that you didn’t make it. At the end of such letter, which is supposedly bringing you bad news, they will usually say something like “we wish you all the best in your further career”. They are? Seriously? Then why the hell they didn’t give you the job?
The other one happens a lot on the internet, when you’re discussing something and then someone disagrees. They make their point, but try not to look as a complete bad guy, so they will say something “I wish you all the best in life”. Come on, don’t be a pussy, I mean French, speak your mind, we all have the blessing of anonymity on internet, you can send me to hell, and you tell me you wish me all the best in life? I don’t buy the “turn the other cheek” philosophy, mine is “an eye for a lie”, so don’t lie to me.
Like they will say “you stupid motherfucking bastard you have no idea what you’re talking about. Who let you even speak about it you dumb fuck!?!?! I completely disagree with you, but I wish you all the best in your life.” Maybe I’m overdoing it just a little bit, but you get the point.

So, politically correct as I am, I will tell you now so I don’t have to repeat it over and over again in every conversation – I do not wish you all the best, neither in your life, nor your career. I am less than virtuous, but one thing I’ll never do – deceive you about how I feel about you.
Why on earth would I wish all the best in life to a complete stranger? Why? How do I put it? Oh yes, I know – I couldn’t care less! Really, I couldn’t care less.
I will refuse your job application if I don’t find you suitable, or if I just plain don’t like you. I will argue with you over the dumbest things over internet or face to face, just because someone cut me off on my way to work today or because I find your lack of intelligence amusing… but still after I’m done with you, I will not wish you all the best in life.
I do not care if you get another job. I honestly don’t. The chances are I will never hear your name again. And I do not care if you get offended by what I say, the chances are – I don’t care.
We don’t care about people we don’t know. Okay, some out there don’t wanna go around hurting others feelings or whatever, but no one, I repeat no one in the world could sincerely wish all the best in life to a complete stranger. Do you even realize the meaning of those words?

For example if you wished me all the best in life this is what would happen – first I would win at least 100 million Euros in lottery, then I would have several books published, then suddenly my books would be so good that no book would ever be sold again, unless it was written by me. Then I would take over the Oprah show, then HBO, I would be filthy rich, and I would have mind control over the world’s leaders and citizens. I would also have Jesus, Dalai Lama and aliens on speed dial. I would destroy Apple, just because. Then one day there would be zombie invasion and I would fight them off and become the leader of the brave new world. Oh, and I would have several countries and languages made illegal, just because I think they suck.
So, do you still really wish me all the best in life?

I mean, if you get hit by a car tomorrow morning, I probably won’t even twitch. I wish the best in life to people I care about, complete strangers or people I’ve just met and only said hello to, I really don’t care about.
It’s mutual I know. For all I care you can get kidnapped by werewolves and then be sacrificed to southern American bats… actually, that would be a really cool conversation starter – hey have you heard about that guy who got kidnapped by werewolves and…?

And there is one more lovely usage of this phrase. When you’re breaking up with someone and you tell them all that you hate about them and all that you kept silent about all that time while you were together, and then you finish with a strong and properly accented “I wish you all the best in life”, which really means “I hope you die and rot in hell together with whoever will be your next girlfriend, and I hope Saddam Hussein rapes you there, daily.”

I wish myself all the best in life, the rest of you can live with being mediocre.

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