25 April 2010

Get your fill

Every now and then our world gets swayed by a media vampire mania. I bet that must be a real pain in the ass for real vampires (and not the good kind). But what is it about vampires that we find so appealing? Why do we need them, why do we keep creating and recreating them in books and movies? Vampires are the ultimate tragic anti-heroes, so it is somewhat hard to believe that we can actually identify ourselves with such characters, or is it?

Vampires and their image in literature and popular culture has been constantly changing and evolving with every new author. We can say that it was John Polidori who first brought Vampires to the light of the day, but without any doubt it was Bram Stoker who made them immortal.
Vampire legends have spread across the Europe from Balkans, where, even today, you can find villages with very much vibrant vampire legends. Whether that’s only a symptom of lack of civilization norms or something more I can’t tell… Not to go into mythology and folklore, let's examine what’s happened to our pop culture vampires as our society has evolved.

Vampire (anti) heroes seem to emerge in crucial times in our history and in a way they depict the current state of society.
Back in the days of Bram Stoker vampires brought sexual liberation and strange passions to the public eye. There was something kinky and deviant about them, they had the freedom everyone else wanted. Beginning of the twentieth century is called by historians the Great Binge, referring to excessive use of newly developed drugs and alcohol. Thus the need for bizarre passions and exploring them. Simply, vampires where there to infect people with the new intriguing ideas of sexuality.
Not to mention the vast population of those who’ve always felt out of this world, tragic heroes of destiny, those who’ve felt the world has done them wrong; life has done them wrong… what better than to look up to a vampire. A creature that has defeated death itself and yet remains living misunderstood and often full of sorrow. When you get tired of Russian suicidal poets, you can always turn to vampires for some consolidation. We may grow fond of them, but we know that they will end tragically, that is the destiny of freaks in our world.

From the greatest vampire of the past Dracula to Anne Rice’s vampires, they’ve kept their role of highly intelligent, magnetic outcasts.
Rice’s Vampires emerge when the world is facing AIDS as a real, unbeatable threat. Her Vampires are clever, outstanding individuals, slightly bizarre, unordinary, and despite their intellect and superiority, they end tragically. Those were the exact people who were facing the AIDS, the unknown disease was killing them simply for being different… or so it seemed.

Until the 21st century the world was “normal”, prude and simple. Vampires were weird and unusual, freakish. Thus, both feared and loved.
Then in new times the roles changed somewhat. Nothing is unusual anymore. Remember how twenty years ago it was unusual to see gay couple in public; to admit watching porn, to have transgendered neighbours, entire country of pregnant 15 year olds… need I go on? Reality TV has made everyone a star, the more bizzare you are, the longer you shall shine in the showbiz.
 Family values that some right winged politicians are still preaching about are at the very least corrupted or distorted. Nothing is weird anymore.
And in that kind of surrounding we get a new big vampire sensations – True Blood.
True Blood is a black comedy that in fact reveals oh so much truth about our own vampire – free society. Vampires are no longer freaks. We are.
Humans are freaks, they desire sexual encounters with vampires, they abuse drugs, they are not even humans, but shape-shifters or wolves! Humans want to drink vampire blood, they want to experience the higher spheres of existence, the world is no longer enough (to put it in James Bond's words, who I'm sure would be outraged at the reality society). The obvious message here is – everyone is a freak, even those who pretend not to be. Post racial and post gay America has produced this new breed of Vampires. They are no longer out of this world, they now fit in perfectly. The roles have changed. In society where everyone is a freak . no one is freak. Yes, we are the vampires of our society. Vampires are far more normal and less freakish than the rest of us. Finally, we show that we accept what was once abnormal and strange, or do we?

Vampire mania will pass away, everything does, until some new peak in our history. But before that happens, advertisers will make sure to suck us out good.

18 April 2010


American mom returns her adoptive son to Russia with a note „I don’t want him anymore“. I am sorry but that’s tragic comic, if it weren’t heartbreaking, it would have been hilarious. I don’t want him anymore. Jeez, I have to say it – only in America! Americans are used to being able to return everything, and I mean literary everything, you buy it, you use it, for some reason you don’t like / want it, and simply you return it, no questions asked. If there weren’t for this ash cloud messing up the air traffic now maybe I would return my dog, family, friends… but no I am stuck to deal with them, even on those days when they are not all sunshine and rainbows… and they’re stuck with me, but I am always sunshine and rainbows.

The kid may really have certain psychological or mental problems, but that’s no way of dealing with a problem. Kid may be a complete sociopath, but I am still on his side. Yes, I am taking sides. He is seven; he grew up in an orphanage, which alone is enough to traumatize you. Maybe she imagined getting one of those kids like you see them in the movies – adorable, cute little creatures who learn the language in an instant and become overachievers. Life is somewhat unfair, so if you want something good, you have to work for it. I am surprised at how easy it is to adopt. Shouldn’t there at least be some kind of “parenting school”, a course that people who want to adopt would attend. I know that parenting can not be learned in school, but certain techniques can. For example: “Acceptable ways of getting rid of your kid”, because Americans seem to be killing or returning their unwanted kids. Sad as it is, this kid may be lucky to be alive. Do you remember that poor little Russian girl Nina, her adoptive mother “was not able to handle her”, and she reported Nina was out of control, raging kid. Her father tells a completely different story. Not to go into analyzing family relations, I am always on a child’s side. Always! You’re a grown up, you need to make a right decision. And killing your child can really be considered a bad parenting technique.

If there were a parenting school, someone could at least teach adoptive parents what “reactive attachment disorder” is and what other disorders those kids may have, since being an orphan most likely isn’t a dreamy experience. Those kids do not come from loving families, they come from orphanages, and they most likely suffer at least a post traumatic stress disorder. You will most likely not get a happy playful well-mannered kid, that you will have to work on. I’ve never met a happy and non-traumatized grown up Russian, let alone a kid!

Russia has now stopped all adoptions to Americans, of course, I would do the same, I would even go one step further and prevent Americans of buying mail ordered brides. Hell yes!
So, to summarize it for Americans, kids are non – returnable, and you are also not allowed to kill them, if you do so, it will result in you going to prison, hopefully for life.

There is another interesting service now offered in Europe. Renting a kid. I am not kidding. You can rent a kid. They say some things are just better with kids, like going to a parade (khm, it’s a European service, so I am thinking besides St. Patrick’s, there’s only techno and gay parades, go figure), or going to birthday party, or picnic at a park. And of course, by having a kid with you, you can get the feel of it and figure if you would want one of your own or not.
Pretentious assumption indeed, my favourite. If having kids was only about their physical presence in your house things would have been so much simpler. There may have not been “return – a – kid case” at all.
An hour with a rented kid will cost you 89 pounds, which is a lot, but imagine this; they come with supplies and manual instructions. Again, I am dead serious. I would like to rent a kid for a couple of hours just to read the manual instructions and take a look at “supplies”, because I am just dying to know what it is all about. And I don’t agree that going to a parade would be more interesting with a kid, they always have to pee when there is no bathroom around, they are hungry and thirsty in all the wrong times and they need lots of attention. So, I’ve heard.
I would like to rent a puppy, for like couple of months while it’s all cute and fluffy, and then return it when it grows a bit, and take another puppy. So I would only have a puppy my entire life, a dream come true. I hope you can see where I’m going with this example.

As I previously said, I am always on children’s side, so I do not approve, renting them, selling them, exchanging them. People forget this, but we were all children once. Was it not traumatic enough visiting distant family members? Then imagine what it must feel like to be rented to a couple of complete strangers. I beg unto the authorities to spend less money on weaponry and more money on kids, especially those who have no families. There is a solution to every problem, you just need a little will.

So, next time you want to order something from Russia with love, think twice can you handle it? And light a candle for Nina, at least a virtual one.

10 April 2010

French men are so gay, it's not even funny

All French men are gay. ‘nuff said. Seriously. Okay, okay, let me elaborate, French love that, long meaningless “deep” discussions.
But first, let me begin with a joke, just to put you in a good mood, better safe than sorry, or something like that. So, why does every army, except Israel, need to have a French flag on them at all times? In case they want to surrender of course.

Now, the serious stuff. Let me tell you, France is a pretty decent country. On the “Quality of life index” France is a regular number one, as the best country to live in. France indeed has everything, well, except three things: 1. Winter, 2. Summer and sadly… 3. Straight men.

So what’s wrong with French men? They are gay, scared, feminine sissies. Very submissive and quiet, yet so full of themselves. And even though most of my opinionated opinions are based on nothing else but plain subjective biased prejudice, this one I didn’t just make up. And I haven’t been horribly hurt or dumped by a French man, so this is not revenge either.

First, let’s debunk some myths. French are great lovers. Right. LOL
Seems that the only people who think that the French are great lovers… are French. Go figure. In a Dailymail poll of sexual satisfaction the French came second from bottom. How sad. But how do you expect those sissies to be good lovers anyway?

Now doing a research for this elaborate article, I’ve come across several articles about all French men being gay, all written by I would say angry women. If it were angry women making scientific conclusions, it would be a very well known proven fact, that as it turns out all men are assholes. But they are not. Probably. Now saying all French men are gay is like saying all priests are pedophiles, ah, that gives you something to think of! Well, are they?
Problem with French men (yes, it is a fucking problem, and not to be taken lightly) is their femininity. Yes, it’s good to be somewhat in touch with your feminine side, but for god’s sake leave the undying love for new female couture and spa visits to real gay guys, or women?!?

Let’s review some facts about the French men:
1. French men know if your shoes match your dress. Other men just see you’re wearing something and you’re not barefoot.
2. French men recognize your perfume the moment you enter the room. Other men think you smell good.
3. French men only make love, they never have sex. Other men can do both.
4. French men groom more than you do. Other men will now have to look up the word groom in a dictionary.
5. French men read philosophers so they can pretend to engage in meaningful discussions with you. Other men think Kant is a new Bayern München sweeper (French men will now have to google sweeper).
6. French men think sports like squash or chanbara are actual men sports. Other man LOL at them.
7. French men are as skinny as their girlfriends, probably so they can borrow a pair of skinny jeans now and then. Other men know you’re not a man if you don’t weight 100 kilos at least.
8. French men think proteins are endangered birds. Other men eat them.
9. French men melt in the sun and break apart in the winter. Other men don’t respond to weather conditions.
10. French men will never survive the zombie invasion. Other men won’t either.

Truth be told, besides my boyfriend, I only know one other French man who is not gay, and hearing his voice alone will make you cream your panties in less than 10 seconds. And girls, I am selling his phone number, for 100 Euros per digit, feel free to contact me any time.

3 April 2010

The importance of being Apple

iPad is out today, did you get yours? No doubt iPad will sell well, only not that well…
What surprised me when they announced iPad and started advertising it, was all the fuss and excitement they got as a public feedback. I mean, tablets have been around for a long time now, iPad is nothing new. If you want a proper tablet, go buy Archos. Of course the big difference is that one of the two is produced by Apple. So if you’re an Apple fan, chances are you haven’t even heard of Archos, or any other tablets (and there are quite a few).

I don’t think iPad is bad, I just don’t think it’s a bit of a perversion. If you already have a (i)phone, and a computer, what’s really the use of iPad? Maybe you have fetish for reading books on a touch-screen, or you just have to have any new übercool product Apple produces because you yourself are übercool? Of course, I am just plain jealous, duuuh.

But why I think it won’t sell well? Even though it’s a perfectly fine quite useless product like so many other that we all possess? Two main reasons:

1.    Recession. Yes, really. Do you know which two companies made best profits last year? (talking companies that sell things we don’t really need) – Hermes and H&M! Can you think of a reason why? I mean last year was really bad, so bad that even the previously mentioned Hermes held their first sale ever in history of the company. That’s how bad last year was.
So how come? Well, the rich have stayed rich and the middle class got poorer. The rich can still afford Hermes and alike, and the middle class had to downgrade to H&M.
H&M works on principles of IKEA, they offer merchandise that is good enough and reasonably priced for the quality it offers – read: cheap.
When you’re buying Hermes, you’re not just buying a silk scarf, you’re buying a lifestyle. When you’re buying H&M, you’re buying something that is “good enough” and will last a “certain period of time”, it’s not forever. H&M, IKEA and alike have brought unto us a “good enough revolution”. When faced with a lack of money, you go for best value at the offered price. Ever heard of Pure Digital camera? Yes you have. Why? Because it sells better than Sonny, Canon or any other camera? Why? It came in the right time with the right price and it’s good enough. It only took Pure Digital two years to get hold of 17% of US camcorder market.
iPad is expensive. It is good, beyond good, but Apple products are not “good enough”, they belong to the category that lost the most during recession, higher middle class, and that is a huge market. That’s why I think people will think twice before spending another 500 dollars for something that in only two years will become nothing but e – junk. Or maybe iJunk.

2.    It’s glued. Allow me to elaborate. Literary, it is glued, it has no screws, and you can not open it. I mean you can, but you would only destroy it by doing so.
Is that a problem? Yes! Why? Because there is a whole bunch of computer freaks out there who would pay the price, but they wanna open it, explore it, upgrade it, change it… they love new technologies, especially if they can meddle with them. ‘nuff said.

So, does anyone remember Microsoft surface and the whole “soon every home will have one” bullshit? Yeah… the big ass table computer. I’m afraid iPad may just end up like that – being the big ass iPhone tablet. Meaning there will be fans, but it’s not exactly a second coming. Technologies come and go, but my opinions are forever, they are like Apple, better than others.
Opinionated: supporting the myth of quality since 1984.